In that moment (internal monolouge)

Lord help me. I am not sure if that was an obscenity or an actual plea for celestial help. Help? I don't want help I want someone to do this for me. I want someone who will wrap me in a blanket of peace and comfort ,take that stage and preform brilliantly. That said person will then allow me all the credit when it is over. That is how God works, right?

That does not sound right, but I have no faith in myself to handle this. I am at one of those moments right now, that happen all too often, where the nature of my charter, the content of my heart, my abilities as a holistic individual are to be summed up and presented in a few sentences. I become either great, horrid or not good enough in moments to swiftly over generalized.

It is at these moments that we exist so close to the flames of hell and the glory of heaven that we have a hard time telling the difference. What do I say? Do I want to keep it simple allowing others to make assumptions, draw there own conclusions and in turn allow myself personal denyability. Or, do I make a strong statement allowing for no deviation reflecting assurety and courage?

I know the reaction I want. I want them to come up to me staring, blinking with astonishment, shaking my hand with vigour and a simple statement. " That was great son, thank you" That is how you know reality from the play. The face tells you all you need to know about true gratuity. I have seen it before and I want that now, but how do I get it?

The right person would know the right thing to do, or do they? Are we all actors, playing a role assuming a part that gives us what we want? Are most of our conversations telling people what they want to hear, or as close as we can do that? How good of a salesmen am I at selling myself?

Damn it! This has become too complicated. I resign myself to the natural state of my words that have more of a reflection of how I feel at the moment rather then who I am and how I really feel. If only I could get you to understand that, but that is probably not what you want to hear and will not get me any where.