I remember worry dolls. I think my parents brought some home or else Mr. Manley gave them to me. I could use some right now.

Aaron and I have been in a world of constant change since July. We are so grateful for the opportunities we have been given but sometimes, even if you have the bike you need, you still have to learn to ride it.

So we've been looking for a house which has proven to be a little more worry prone than we imagined. I was told looking for a home was fun....its not.

Cutting by Steven Levenkron

Probably the best psychological book I have ever read. The book describes the practise, reasoning and treatment of cutting. Where does self mutilation come from? Why do people do hurt themselves on purpose? What do they get out of it? The great questions answered plainly in the book through case study and hypothesis.

Think of the act of self mutilation as a painting or performance. The act is an expression, a release from all the horrors that exists within these people, 80% of which are female. The act is very symbolic and even the way it is done and how it is presented all mean something.

If there is one thing I have learned in my brief study of the psychological deviance in people is that the mind and body will always express itself, no matter what. I do not care what it is, how long ago it was or how insignificant it may be. The mind will work through the body to express how it is dealing with the world. It may come out harmlessly or very harmfully, it is all dependant on the person. There are even cases within the book where the individual would cut themselves subconsciously, waking up on the side of the road bleeding and no memory of how she got there.

In self mutilation the expression is felt in several ways, the pain and the visual representation. The burning accompanied with the blistering or bubbling skin, the cut associated with the blood dripping from the skin. All very powerful representations of the mental turmoil living withing the people. I have known some to make burn drawing in there skin or scaring in the form of a picture represented of there pain. It is amazing what the body will do to try to find peace.

Sadly the pain and scaring is more akin to addiction then actual expression. Though the client may feel better it is for a fleeting moment and provides no real release but in actuality perpetuates the inner torment as the individual realises what they have come to. It is a vicious cycle that can only be broken with years of treatment.

Again, like most books in the psychological realm you have to read through the ego of the writer letting them love themselves every few pages to get to the good stuff but it was worth it. A very good book, simply written that would allow all interested in the subject to finish with a sound understanding of the topic

In that moment (internal monolouge)

Lord help me. I am not sure if that was an obscenity or an actual plea for celestial help. Help? I don't want help I want someone to do this for me. I want someone who will wrap me in a blanket of peace and comfort ,take that stage and preform brilliantly. That said person will then allow me all the credit when it is over. That is how God works, right?

That does not sound right, but I have no faith in myself to handle this. I am at one of those moments right now, that happen all too often, where the nature of my charter, the content of my heart, my abilities as a holistic individual are to be summed up and presented in a few sentences. I become either great, horrid or not good enough in moments to swiftly over generalized.

It is at these moments that we exist so close to the flames of hell and the glory of heaven that we have a hard time telling the difference. What do I say? Do I want to keep it simple allowing others to make assumptions, draw there own conclusions and in turn allow myself personal denyability. Or, do I make a strong statement allowing for no deviation reflecting assurety and courage?

I know the reaction I want. I want them to come up to me staring, blinking with astonishment, shaking my hand with vigour and a simple statement. " That was great son, thank you" That is how you know reality from the play. The face tells you all you need to know about true gratuity. I have seen it before and I want that now, but how do I get it?

The right person would know the right thing to do, or do they? Are we all actors, playing a role assuming a part that gives us what we want? Are most of our conversations telling people what they want to hear, or as close as we can do that? How good of a salesmen am I at selling myself?

Damn it! This has become too complicated. I resign myself to the natural state of my words that have more of a reflection of how I feel at the moment rather then who I am and how I really feel. If only I could get you to understand that, but that is probably not what you want to hear and will not get me any where.

The Lucifer Effect by Philip Zimbardo

Who is Lucifer? Simply, Lucifer was an angel. We are told from different sources that he was one of the greatest. What it takes to be a great or greatest angel? I am not sure, but the point being he was good, possibly very good, and then went very bad.

So the question and answer the book proposes is: what makes good or ordinary people, felons, murderers, drug addicts, thieves or more generally speaking, bad?

Do not want to read the book to find the answer? Well, I can give you the abridged version. We all have the capability to assume one of the roles listed above. Don't believe you have it in you? Look into the Milgram experiment wherein we first realize that any where from 60 to 80% of the population has the mentally justifiable resources to take innocent human life. The experiment has been done umpteen times over 40 years and the out comes rests between 60 to 80%

Here is a simple list of mental or psychological resources used to allows us to be bad

1. dehumanization: The typical German population thought of the Jewish community as monsters. The U.S. government demonized the whole Asian population by making brash and over generalizations and stereotyping "Japs" as something other then men.

2. Deniablity/Rationalization/3rd party influence: " I was just following orders". "Satan made me do it". " The ends justified the means". "Every one was doing it". " I did not know any better because I was beaten as a kid".

3. Moral disengagement: In a firing squad it was typical for only one person to have a working bullet and none of them knew who had the blank and who had the real bullet. Jews themselves decided who was to go into the gas chamber that day. The guy turning the knob to turn on the gas never watched them die nor did he go in to make sure all were dead, he just turned the knob.

4. Autonomy: They do not know me and I do not know them, therefore it is easier.

That is a short list but I think you get the idea.


It was an interesting book. It requires constant thinking and the ability to read pass the ego, as is the case with most psychology books that I have read.

Some may recognize the name of the author because he was the leader in a highly publicized experiment at Stanford during the late sixties. He rehashes the whole experiment in the book, which is relevant, but it does not take log to realize where the experiment is going and does become tedious. I did not become depressed reading the book thinking that any moment I could randomly kill but realized I was human and therefore capable of making mistakes. The author does well to keep the book intellectual and does not project his psychological theories on the reader but is obviously less then pleased with the Bush administration and goes through many chapters regarding the Abu Ghraib incident.

If you are in a thinking read mood then give it a try but do not expect it to be a quick read. I would even suggest skipping the chapters that do not interest you.

Yeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Its finally happened, I am starting a new job at Heald college in Rancho Cordova on the 22nd!! So this means we can finally move. I will be posting pictures of our move and new place and farewell parties as we go.

So today I came thisclose to be homeless. I was looking at my walls with my paintings and thinking, "I am going to have to take those down and put them where?"

I spent all day trying to work things out and at about 5:30pm they finally did. I still have a home.

I still plan to be homeless at the end of July though. I have to say as the day gets darker I am getting more and more afraid of the unknown. Stephen King has fear down so right, the scariest things are the things we do not know. How can we prepare for something we don't know? If I know for a fact that under my bed is a monster, I can make some plans to deal with that.

So tomorrow I have another interview, probably my 5th, over the phone. I want the job, I'd be so awesome at it...but I don't have high hopes. This is because I don't think anyone really wants to hire a voice. Which sucks because my in person self is so bangin'.

I hope that come July I don't have to take that huge plunge and find out first hand what is under my bed. In any case, I am bringing a sword.

Cassie: So can I be real witchu?

You: Be real!

Cassie: Imma be real witchu.

Why is Life such a gamble at every turn (Life is pictured above)? Life decides what happens to me. And Life even decides that no matter what, Life is going to screw me over one way or another. Life tells me that if I want money, I can't have the future I want. So then I reason with Life and say, "I will give it all for the nookie!" And so Life laughs at me, truly entertained by my naivety, and tells me that if I give it all for the nookie I will have no money to have the future I want. So then I say "well screw you Life! SCREW you and that little horse you road in on." And then Life laughs at me because he knows someone who reads this blog is going to be offended. Well, can you blame me right now? And if you say yes please know I don't feel I owe you an apology. (But for real baby, forgive me).

Crazy

Today I imagined paint spilling out of my eyes, errupting from my ears, blasting out of my nose. Work has a way of smushing me into a little box and stuffing in every last strand of hair to be sure they close the lid on me securely. I'm not fitting in this box, guys!! This job was meant for someone who didn't really want to do much but get paid. And yes, it is paying and I'm ever so thankful.

All these years and years and god awful years I've spent loathing my creative self, surpressing my inner wild, teaching myself how to be cookie cutter only to come to the realization that I need to undo it all. Whether I like it or not I am always going to be crazy, up and down, this way and that, freakish, odd, creative, wild and utterly uncontained. God it feels so GOOD to be embracing my roots.

I'm writing again, I'm painting again, I'm composing again and I'm going to wear my David Bowie shirt to work. Try to stop me.

Nephews

These are some pictures of my younger nephews. Red head is David and the blonde is Doug. Thought I should post some recent pictures. David was on the brink of a melt down before Aaron hitched him on his shoulders. A whole new perspective!!

Doug I think was a little over stimulated by all the people around.

So not long ago I tried to win a David Bowie shirt on ebay that looked like this. I lost in a heated battle when I wouldn't pay more than $50 for it. I was sad and I could hear David Bowie singing "Within You" whislt a single tear trailed down my cheek.

But THEN I found this wonderful artist at ETSY.com, Suzanne Sarver! Check out her stuff: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6544583

So she is making me this one of a kind shirt, custom made (below). Jealous? You should be, because it is soooooo coooooool.